Table of Contents
THE JOY OF SHARING
The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald’s that cold winter evening.
They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. “That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple’s table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.
As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady.
“Ma’am, why aren’t you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?
She answered, “The teeth.”
HEALTHY FOOD
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they oohed and aahed, the old man asked Peter how much of this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.” Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You play for free.”
Next, they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet?” St. Peter asked. “This is heaven. It’s free!”
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly. “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your darn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
THE KNOB
A lady in her late 40’s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The Dr. told her of a new procedure called “The Knob”. This small knob is planted on the back of a woman’s head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted “The Knob.”
Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems.
“All these years everything had been working just fine. I’ve had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I’ve loved the results.
But now I’ve developed two annoying problems. First of all, I’ve got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won’t get rid of them.”
The doctor looked at her and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”
She replied, “Well, I guess that explains the goatee.”
FLYING BACKWARDS
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.
When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn’t going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man’s room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned. How was it for you?”
The second man replied, “I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast she farted and flew out the window!”
THE LIFESAVER
Two elderly women are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One woman turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old woman asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
… After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
DEAD TED
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”
ANNUAL PHYSICAL
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?”
George replied, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom poof the light goes on when I’m done poof the light goes off.”
“Wow!” commented Dr. Smith, “That’s incredible!”
A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Ethel,” he said, “George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he is through poof the light goes off?”
Ethel exclaimed, “Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
STANDARDS
A little old lady is sitting on a bench in Miami Beach. A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, “Are you a stranger here?” He replies, “I used to live here years ago.”
“So, where were you all these years?”
“In prison,” he says.
“For what did they put you in prison?”
He looks at her, and very quietly says, “I killed my wife.”
“Oh,” says the woman. “So you’re single…”
GRANNY
Granny was in her eighties and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor.
He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock, surprise, and, curiosity! Surely, Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.
“When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Granny,” he said while pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease! And you know, I haven’t had a cold all winter.”
EMPTY HANDED
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So, he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
OLD FREQUENCIES
” How often should I plan to have sex,” the young groom asked his grandfather on his wedding night. Grandpa said, “When you’re first married, you want it all the time maybe several times a day. Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so. Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get old, you are lucky to have it once a year. Maybe on your anniversary.”
“Well, how about you and grandma now?” the younger man asked.
Grandpa replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.”
“What’s oral sex?”
“Well,” said Grandpa, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, “F**K YOU,” and I holler back, “F**K YOU, TOO.
HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house, I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
NUDIST CAMP NEWCOMER
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices the erection and comes over to him and says, “Sir, did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here, let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies that you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lays down a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within a few minutes, a huge, horrible, corpulent, hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him. “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man. “No, what do you mean?” asks the newcomer. “You must be new here,” says the hairy man, “it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where the smiling naked receptionist greets him. “May I help you?” she asks. The man says, “Here, you can have my membership card, you can have the key back and you can have the $500 membership fee!” “But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here a few hours! You haven’t had time to see all of our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen, lady, I’m 72 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!”
LIKE FINE WINE
Bill, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
Bill says, “I lied about my age.”
His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
FLORIDA SENIORS
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph, then 110, 120 mph! Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.”
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
SENIOR MOMENTS
Four ‘Senior’ women were in a beauty parlor getting their hair done when in walks a young chick with a low cut blouse that revealed a rosebud tattoo above one boob. One lady leaned over to another and said, “She doesn’t know it yet, but in 50 years she’ll be wearing a long-stemmed rose in a hanging basket.
IN A SMALL TOWN
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said, “Heavens no, we bought it.”
He said, “Then why don’t you drive it away”.
Each of the women said, “We can’t drive”.
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked, “Then why did you buy it?”
They answered, “We were told if we bought a car here, we’d get screwed, so we’re just waiting.”
HOG WILD
A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements to join. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there”, and points to a Harley in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”
The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “The last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
DOOR TO DOOR SALESMAN
A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on a door in a Senior community. It was opened by an old lady in a bathrobe.
“Go away,” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money! I’m flat broke!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my amazing demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”
The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
Whether it is an eye roll or a heartfelt laugh, these corny jokes are guaranteed to get a reaction. We hope we’ve brought a smile to your face. If you’re in the mood for more sexy content check out our article on senior swingers.
