“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the
past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed. “How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time.” Said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
TEN WAYS TO TERRORIZE A TELEMARKETER
10. When they ask “How are you today?” Tell them!
“I’m so glad you asked because no one these days
seems to care, and I have all these problems; my
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died…”
09. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask
them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the
company name. Then ask them where it is located.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions
about their company for as long as necessary.
08. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy
a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out
where the hell she could know you from.
07. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,
“I don’t have any friends… would you be my friend?”
06. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
05. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration”
and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.
04. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry
you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not
just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
03. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they
cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t
want anyone bothering you at home, right?” The telemarketer
will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!”
02. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
“Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
And first and foremost:
01. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
EVERY WORD down.
NUN POWER
Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They
walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only
container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever
they were offered and returned to their car.
As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their
car, a Baptist minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and
said, “Excuse me, Sisters. I’m not of your religion, but I can’t help
admiring your faith!”
WHAT HEAVEN IS LIKE
A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so
she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.
Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her
husband’s voice was heard answering, “Hello Margaret, this is meeee…”
“Fred,” she answered. I just have to know if you’re happy there in the
afterlife. What’s it like there?”
“Ooooooh, it’s much more beautiful here than I ever imagined,” Fred
answered. “The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much
more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day
long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over.”
“Thank God, you made it to heaven,” his wife cried.
“Heaven?” he answered. “What heaven? I’m a buffalo in Montana.”
THE ATHEIST
There was this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of sudden he sees this
shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat. As he looks
back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a way off and
he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and he turns to see the
jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in horrific splendor..
The atheist then screams, “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen
and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the
water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you
call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
The atheist, with confusion and knowing he can’t lie, replies, “Well, that’s
true, I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the
shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the
heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.
