Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? — When you take it off, you wonder where the breast went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? — Two mothers-in-law.
THE EASIER WAY
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got
older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,
he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally
came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is
I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require
castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your
testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The
pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything
to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but
decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like
he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down
the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He
could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what
I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman,
“I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself
in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and…
16 and a half neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted
the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half wide.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked
comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about
a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman
asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see…
size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34
It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine
and give you one hell of a headache!”
COUNTRY HIT SONGS YOU NEVER HEARD
- Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye.
- Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
- How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
- I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
- Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, The Car Don’t Run, Figure We’re even.
- I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
- I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
- I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
- I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win.
- I’ll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight.
- I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here.
- I Got Tears In My Ears, From Lyin’ On My Back, Cryin’ Over you.
- If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
- If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now.
- Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head).
- My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You.
- My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
- Please Bypass This Heart.
- She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
- You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
THIS WEEK’S LAWYER JOKE
A Marriage Made In Heaven
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder; “Could they possibly get married in Heaven?”
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months…and they discussed if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all. “What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “Are we stuck together forever?”
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”
Great!” said the couple, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
