The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. ”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.”
The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I’m from the government and I’m here to help.
MANNA FROM HEAVEN?
Mysteriously, without applying for nor submitting any paperwork,
Homer started receiving a $500 check every month.
Without even questioning why, Homer started cashing them.
After a year of receiving $500 monthly, Homer received a notice to return the money.
Hoping to receive advice not to repay this amount, Homer went to see his brother, a corporate lawyer.
His brother said “My God man, didn’t you ever wonder why you were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?”
“Nope” he said, “I just figured the Democrats were back in power.”
I have wonder what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like
if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.
Government is like a baby:
An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end
and no sense of responsibility at the other.
A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL JOKES
WIN:
SOME OF OUR FAVORITE POLITICAL QUOTES
- A patriot must always be ready to defend his country against his government. Edward Abbey
- Those who stand for nothing fall for anything Alexander Hamilton
- The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter. Winston Churchill
- In America, anybody may become president, and I suppose it’s just one of the risks you take. Adlai Stevenson
- Too bad 90 percent of the politicians give the other 10 percent a bad reputation. Henry Kissinger
- The ballot is stronger than the bullet. Abraham Lincoln
- In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes an act of rebellion.”George Orwell
- Democracy is too good to share with just anybody. Nigel Rees
- In politics, stupidity is not a handicap. Napoleon
- A politician will do anything to keep his job – even become a patriot. William Randolph Hearst
- Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
- I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crises. The great point is to bring them the real facts. Abraham Lincoln
- No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent. Abraham Lincoln
- The test of our progress is not whether we add more to the abundance of those who have much; it is whether we provide enough for those who have little. Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Second Inaugural Address
Politics is not a bad profession.
If you succeed there are many rewards,
if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book..
PLACE:
OBSERVATIONS ON THE U.S. MID-TERM ELECTIONS
“It’s interesting. The president’s approval rating is at an all-time low, North Korea’s setting off bombs, Iraq is a mess, the Foley scandal keeps getting worst. Even the Democrats might not be able to blow this election.”
–Jay Leno
“The election is three weeks away and there are rumors the Republicans are getting ready for an election night disaster, which would be a first — a disaster they were actually prepared for.”
–Bill Maher
“This is a bleak time for the Republican Party. You know you have trouble when the least embarrassing guy in your group is Arnold Schwarzenegger.”
–Jimmy Kimmel
The taxpayer: That’s someone who
works for the federal government
but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.
SHOW:
W’s TO DO LIST FOR 2008
- Hook up nuclear launch button to The Clapper.
- Authorize new presidential anthem: “Hail to the Chad.”
- Send message to Wheaties people: “Hey guys, how about it? My face, your box.”
- Order copy of “Presidents for Dummies.”
- Keep distance from Cheney…don’t want to catch heart disease.
- Start mending fences with Democrats…appoint Gore “Secretary of Losers.”
- Avoid smoking any cigars left behind by Clinton.
- Deliver memorable speech at inauguration: “I have a dream…then I wake up.”
- As soon as possible, have transitional team meet with Martin Sheen.
- Now that all the bickering is over, gracefully bow out of race.
Government does not solve problems;
it subsidizes them.
PARTING SHOT State Mottoes
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It-Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
