Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
SHOW:
BOWLING?
Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, “Hey, Bob! How ya doin‘?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Bob. “He’s on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, “Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?”
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, “Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.”
Gravity doesn’t exist. The Earth sucks.
DON’T NOT VOTE!!!
ASK YOUR CONGRESSMAN
A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey…
“If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I’m against it.
But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I’m for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise!”
Don’t be afraid to see what you see.
A LETTER TO YOUR SENATOR
The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
309 Hart Senate Office Building
Washington DC, 2051
Dear Senator Sarbanes,
As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.
My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bills provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.
I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out. Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?
This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.
In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free health care, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc.
If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.
Your Loyal Constituent, Carolyn
What is the difference between the Republicans of Congress
and the Library of Congress?
At the Library of Congress, you aren’t allowed to lick the pages.
CAMPAIGN PROMISES
A U.S. senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. ” There is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
You will spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
He goes down, down, down to hell and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. All his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
The senator then visits heaven, joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity,” says St. Peter
The senator reflects for a minute. “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
He finds himself in the middle of a barren desert covered with waste and garbage, where all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
above.
