My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.
So I’m going to move to New York.
THE ART OF ADVERTISING
Josie and Flo, both prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sigh that read: “JESUS SAVES”
Josie asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
Josie and Flo frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day, the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which read: ‘JOSIE AND FLO. TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00’
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I’D WALK A MILE
Marge and Barb are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Marge pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Barb asks, “What in the hell is that?
Marge answers, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Barb says, “Great idea. Where did you get it?”
Marge says, “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Barb hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
Barb says,”Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.”
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
FLYING BLIND
A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”
And the blind man said he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went! All of a sudden the pilot had a heart attack and passed out.
The blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, “Help, help, I’m a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!”
A voice came over the speaker that said, “If you are a blind man, how do you know you’re upside down?”
The blind man said, “Because crap is running out of my collar!!”
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
A TRIFECTA OF LOTSA SILLY STUFF JOKES
A cop was patrolling at night at a well-known lover’s lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 23, sir.”
“And her … what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat…
10% of women think their ass is too skinny…
The other 65% say that they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway…
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
READY FOR A BLOND JOKE?
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers andthen picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
A HONEYMOON TALE
Bill was out on the golf course when a high speed ball hit him right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he can manage, Bill cautiously drives himself to the doctor.
