Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty, my dear lady!” he said. “Not until you have as least seen my amazing demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. “If this wonderful Kirby vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, madam, I will personally eat the remainder of it.”
The old Lady stepped back and said, “Well, I sure hope you’ve got a good appetite sonny, because they cut off my electricity this morning.”
ALL OUR JOKES COME FROM YOU,
OUR READERS!
AN ENCOUNTER WITH HISTORY
(2 seconds of silence?)
This year is special. At two am, (and 3 and 4 seconds)
the date and time will be:
DRUMROLL: This will never happen again.
WARNING!!! This week’s joke page contains quotes
from Steven Wright. Read at your peril.
ODE TO SPAM
by Charlie Johnston
Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up –
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of SPAM hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.
More than mere food, SPAM is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.
Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling SPAM when there’s no one around –
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.
Other processed meat products I’ve tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig’s feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze.
That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam – the taste, the smell –
The sacred meat product from Hormel.
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
POTTY MOUTH
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural club. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t
accidentally walk through into another dimension
HERE IN FLORIDA
Jim, an elderly man living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening Jim decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Jim made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Jim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
THIS WEEK’S LESSON. Pay attention!
An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey.The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride.So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on the poor donkey.” The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.”
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your assgood-bye.
