After a few years she decided it’s time to go home and pay her dear old mother a visit. But, on the boat on the way over she get very concerned about what she’ll tell her mother about her new career.
Eventually she decided there’s no point in lying about it and that she’ll tell her mother the truth, and throw herself on her mercy.
She arrived back home in the little village in County Tyrone, and her dear old mother was just overcome to see her again. Ah darlin’ its just wonderful to see you again, and lookin’ so nice an all.
And sendin’ me all this money all this time. Tell me, darlin‘ what have you been doin‘ to earn all this money?
“Well mother, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I became a prostitute!”
Mother went white, clutched at her breast, and collapsed in a heap on the floor. The others in the pub bought her a couple of shots of John Jamieson’s, and staggered back on her feet.
She faced her daughter. “Tell me again darlin‘ I want to hear you say it again, so I can‘t be sure I heard you right.”
The girl says: “Yes mother, I said that I became a prostitute!”
The old girl heaved a huge sigh of relief, wiped the sweat from her brow and says: “Ah Jasus – tank the Lord for that. I tought for a minute there I heard you say you’d become a Protestant!”
“MONOPOLY” BOARD GAME
UPDATED PLAYING PIECES:
OLD NEW
LITTLE DOG Pit Bull
SHOE Untied, Half-Open Sneaker
FLAT IRON Dry Cleaner’s Bill
RACE CAR Oversized SUV
THIMBLE Foreign Seamstress
TOP HAT Hair Plug
I can see why she likes chess. The king is stationary, the queen has all the power.
ARF!
In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.
They are astonished and say,”What a clever dog!”
But the man protests, “No, no, he isn’t that clever. I’m leading by three games to one!”
I had dinner with Garry Kasporov. Problem was, we had a checkered tablecloth and it took him two hours to pass the salt.
Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?
A. A chess player moves every now and then.
RED SHIRT DOG
Upon entering
the Casino Poker Card Room, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog wearing Red Shirt asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
LOVE LETTER
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool – nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.
POKER TATTOO
John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.
Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.
John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.
The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.
Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.
Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”
Did you know that more and more doctors aren’t accepting Medicaid, and what you can do about it? Or what happens if you need Medicare far from home? Or that less-costly diabetes drugs are every bit as effective as newer, much more expensive ones?
A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES
WIN
BRIDGE CLUB
The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”
John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”
Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.
PLACE
BLONDS AND BINGO
It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.
