Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee): n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz): v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list): n What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hardware store (hard*war stor): n. Similar to a black hole in space – if he goes in, he isn’t coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth): n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, “focus….breathe…push…”
Lipstick (lip*stik): n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear…!
Park (park): v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, “to go somewhere and neck.” After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens): n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also “tranquilizers.”
Waterproof mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah): n. Comes off if you cry, shower or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine’s Day (val*en*tinez dae): n. A day when you have dreams of a candle light dinner, diamonds and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS
- Don’t squat with your spurs on.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back in.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
- If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
- After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him… The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- There are two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
- If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
- Never slap a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
A cockroach will live nine days without it’s head,
before it starves to death.
SHOW:
$10 IS $10
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain.
SEX AT 90
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”
I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
CAJUN FUNERAL
Three friends from de local Cajun congregation of Thibodeaux, Louisiana were asked, “When you in your casket, and your friends and church members are mourning over you, what would you like dem to say?”
Jacque said: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”
Fouché commented: “I would like dem to say, I was a wonderful teacher, and servant of da church, who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
Boudreaux said: “I’d like dem to say, ‘Look, he’s movin!’ ”
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s
sex drive by 90%. It’s called a Wedding Cake.
WHY FOLKS MOVE TO FLORIDA
A couple, both 78, went to a sex therapist’s office in Winter Haven, Florida. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you ”
The man asked, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse” and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $140. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare.”
