Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body such as her limbs, eyes, and ears came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced”, as she put it.
That is a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”
God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?”
“Just fantastic,” she replied, “but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”
God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you…. now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”
Now, doesn’t THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Sometimes I think I’ve reached my sexpiration date.
AND, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE AISLE
HEY, LADIES…Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
And, whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old as long as she buys him a few drinks first.
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in dire financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays… God!!, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “My God, why have You forsaken me? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE let me win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself…
“Sweetheart, work with Me on this…….. Buy a ticket.”
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
NURSING HOME WISDOM
NO Nursing Home for me!
With the average cost for a Nursing Home per day reaching $188, there is a better way when we get old & feeble.
I have ascertained that I can get a nice room at the Holiday Inn for around $65…that leaves $123 a day for beer, food (room service), laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. They have a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer, etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
Super 8 is somewhat more economical and they have a free breakfast, though you usually have to walk next door for lunch and dinner.
There may be a bit of a wait to get that first floor room, but that’s OK. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. There is the Senior Bus, the Handicap bus (if you fake a decent limp), a Church bus or van, cabs, and even a regular bus. For a change of lunch, take the Airport Bus and eat at one of the fast food cafes there. The Inn has security, and if someone sees you drop over, they will call an ambulance. And should you break a hip, the American Way is to sue. What more can you ask for?
As a bonus, they all have AARP and other Senior discounts.
So:
When I reach the Golden age,
help me keep my grin.
Just check my old rickety butt
into the nearest Holiday Inn!
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
