And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
MEN:
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy
DON’T IT FIGURE!!!
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give > birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
MEN:
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?
A retired older guy was driving along in Florida when the Highway Patrol urgently pulled him over and asked him if he realized his wife had fallen out of the car a mile back. Oh, thank God said the man. I thought I was going deaf.
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life provided we get cable or that dish thing.
MARTHA AND JOHN
There were two lovers, Martha and John, who were deeply into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, John died in a car wreck. True to her word, Martha tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.”
Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John! what is it like, where are you?”
“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze and sunshine most of the time.”
“What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we do it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”
Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”
“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.”
“Well, then, where are you?”
“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
THIS WEEK’S MOST POPULAR JOKE
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. “You know love” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman.
My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby”
She turns to her husband and says…..”Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice……..”Well……there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight”.
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
BEST BUMPER STICKERS OF THE WEEK
- If you can’t feed ’em, don’t breed ’em!
- Everyone has a photographic memory…some just don’t have any film.
- Save your breath…You’ll need it to blow up your date.
- I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
- Don’t like my driving? Then quit watching me.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
- Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
- Hang up and drive!!
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
EVE’S VERSION
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. “So, how is everything going?” inquired God.
“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights — everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It’s these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain,” reported Eve.
