CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT
A Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring” he says, “I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting – jus anyting you want. Whatchou want?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I want…… numba 69″
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries…………..”You want…….Beef wif Broccori? NOW?”
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE
The owner of small business was confused about how much he should pay for an invoice, which included a volume discount. So he decided to ask his blonde secretary.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from college, and I need some help. If I were to give you $7,525 minus 12.5% for a discount, how much would you take off?”
She paused briefly and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
THE HOMELESS MAN – This Week’s Oldie but Goodie
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t gamble,” the homeless man said.
“I need everything I can get just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who’s given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex.”
NOT FUNNY, MCGEE!
Freedom, American-Style
- A car company moves its factories to Mexico and claims it’s a free market.
- A toy company outsources its manufacturing capabilities to a Chinese subcontractor and claims it’s a free market.
- A major bank incorporates in Bermuda to avoid taxes and claims it’s a free market.
- We can buy HP Printers made in Mexico, buy shirts made in Bangladesh and underwear from Ecuador. It’s a free market, isn’t it.
- We can purchase almost anything we want from most any country.
- But heaven help the senior citizen who dares to buy prescription drugs from a Canadian pharmacy. That’s not only un-American, it’s “illegal!”
Behold, the power of the buck in the US Congress!
THE MISSIONARY
A Catholic Priest was about to leave his mission in the jungles where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.” The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.” Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy s-xu-l activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Riding a bike.” The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, “My bike.”
THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive. I took her to a gas station.
That’s when the fight started….
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
That’s when the fight started.
My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
