And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.
The rabbi looks up and says, “You fellows don’t even know what trouble is until you try to circumcise a bear.”
AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT’S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
FOR OUR BABY BOOMERS
Some of the artists of the ’60s (living or not) are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us aging baby boomers. They include:
Elvis: “A Hunka Hunka Burning Bile”
Hermann’s Hermits: “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Bee Gees: “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
Bobby Darin: “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”
Ringo Starr: “I Get By With a Little Help from Depends”
Roberta Flack: “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
Johnny Nash: “I Can’t See Clearly Now”
Paul Simon: “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Commodores: “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”
Marvin Gaye: “I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts”
Procol Harem: “A Whiter Shade of Hair”
Leo Sayer: “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
The Temptations: “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”
Abba: “Denture Queen”
Tony Orlando: “Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall”
Helen Reddy: “I am Woman, Hear me Snore”
Willie Nelson: “On the Throne Again”
Leslie Gore: “It’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To”
Sonny & Cher: “…And The Beat Goes….. On.”
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT’S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER’S CODE
Burma Shave
FREDERICK’S OF HOLLYWOOD
A husband walks into Frederick’s of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several garments that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.
He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Lord! You’d think that for $500, they’d at least iron it!”
He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.”
THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE’S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
UPPER MANAGEMENT TRAINING
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a
male buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure chief, coming right up.” He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.
After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.
The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Whoa, Tonto! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
THIS WEEK’S BLOND JOKE
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the
subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heaven the voiced bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”
The voice replied, “NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE, TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
YOU HAD TO BE THERE…
“Skipper,” the sailor said to his captain as he saluted, “A special message just came in for you from the admiral. I have it right here.”
“Read it to me,” the captain ordered.
The sailor began reading nervously, “You are without a doubt the most idiotic, lame-brained officer ever to command a ship in the United States Navy.”
The skipper responded, “Have that communication decoded at once!”
The secret of staying young is to live honestly,
eat slowly, and lie about your age. – Lucille Ball
ONE FOR THE GALS
After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed. “There is something I must tell you about your baby.”
What’s wrong?” the alarmed mother asked.
“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
“What’s that?”
