“Just how big were those two beers?”
“No sir! We don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET’S HAVE LESS BULL AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
YET ANOTHER LAWYER JOKE
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he’s getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off.
Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the Police. Five minutes later, the police arrive.
Before the officer has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, “My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it’s in the shop, it simply will never be the same again!”
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are,” he says. “You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else in your life.”
“How can you say such a thing at a time like this?” snaps the lawyer.
The policeman replies, “Didn’t you notice your arm was torn off?”
The lawyer looks down in horror. He screams, “Oh my God, where’s my Rolex?”
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
HIGH FLYING
Bud and Jim worked as airplane mechanics in Gander Bay, Newfoundland.
Bud said, “Man, I sure could use a drink!”
Jim says “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane fuel and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings… It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim says, “Yeah, well there’s just one thing… Have you farted yet?”
“Not yet,” says Bill
“Well, DON’T. I’m in Chicago.”
AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN’T IT?
Burma Shave
YOU MAY BE GETTING OLDER
- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
- You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
- Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
- Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
- Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
- Being a senior adult is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
- You know you’re into old age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
- Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
NO MATTER THE PRICE, NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
THREE CHAPLAINS
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, a student made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another and the religious leaders decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience.
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you know that we don’t sprinkle!
I went out and I found me a bear. And then I began to read to it. But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took hold of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.
