A couple of days later the sheik had to go through a corrective surgery. His
doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood
again.
After the second surgery, the sheik sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a
jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the sheik this time did not reciprocate his
gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the sheik and asked him: “I
thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds
& money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
DON’T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE,
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
BEST NEOLOGISMS FROM THE WASHINGTON POST
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas frompenetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the nearfuture.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotentfor an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n.): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t getit.
6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n.): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things thatare good for you.11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at yourapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walkedthrough a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in themorning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole
DROVE TOO LONG, DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
MEMORY GOING?
He was leaving a meeting at the church, and looking for his keys. They were
not in his pockets, and a quick search of the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly he realized he must have left them in the car. Frantically, he
headed for the parking lot. His wife, had scolded him many times in the
past for leaving the keys in the ignition. His theory was that the ignition
was the best place NOT to lose them. Her theory was that the car could be
stolen.
As he ran from the doors of the church, he came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
He immediately called the police, giving them the location and the make &
model of the vehicle, and confessed that he had left the keys in the car.
Then he made the most difficult call of all. “Honey, I left the keys in the
car, and it has been stolen.
There was a period of silence, and then he heard her voice, “I dropped you
off this morning”, she barked. Then it was his time to be silent.
Embarrassed he said, “Well come and get me.” To which she replied, “I will,
as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN’, HE’S JUST HOPIN’
Burma Shave
BLUE HUMOR
Cops do have a sense of Humor!
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
“Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”
“So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”
“Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
“Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy.”
“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
“In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
