SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
Do skunks celebrate Valentine’s Day?
Sure, they’re very scent-imental!
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second.
She said, And used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
GETTING LUCKY
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner’s name on your hand in case you can’t remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don’t even think about trying it twice in one night.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it.
So I said “Implants?”
A TRIFECTA OF STUFF
ABOUT SCORING ON VALENTINE’S DAY!
WIN:
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE:
(Dedicated to Frank Kaiser!)
- I love you because you bring the best out of me.
- Your terrific sense of humor
- Every time I look at you, my heart misses a beat
- You’re the one who holds the key to my heart
- You always say what I need to hear (You are perfect).
- You have taught me the true meaning of love.
- Love is, what you mean to me – and you mean everything.
- You are my theme for a dream.
- I have had the time of my life and I owe it all to you.
- When I look into your eyes, I can see your heart.
- Your love for me is a natural anti-depressant.
- I love to hear your voice.
- Your love has helped me to rediscover myself.
- Your love is an effective anti-dote to despair.
- I love to wake up with you by my side…It makes my days better.
- You always make me feel that you are by my side no matter what.
- I love that feeling of being secure when you wrap your arms around me.
- I love the way you keep your cool when I do something stupid.
- Just being with you feels like I can defy the whole world.
- You mean the world to me.
- I like your small gestures that speak volumes about how much you care.
- I love the way you treasure the gifts that I gave you.
- I love the way you patch up with me after a tumultuous fight.
- And, of course, your intelligence, ’cause you were smart enough to fall in love with me.
PLACE:
BE MY VALENTINE
I walked into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then took out a perfume bottle and sprayed scent all over them.
My curiosity getting the better of me, I asked him what he is doing.
The man told me, “I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” I asked
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
Support bacteria –
they’re the only culture some people have.
SHOW:
LAST MINUTE VALENTINE’S DAY ADVICE
Don’t tell your partner about that perfect present you almost bought.
Don’t give the same Valentine card you gave your partner last year.
Don’t buy the wrong size/brand of anything.
Don’t forget to wear clean underwear.
Don’t tell your date you forgot your wallet again.
Don’t leave your date alone with your parents, flatmates or pet.
Don’t buy your partner household appliances for Valentine’s Day.
Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.
Don’t give your partner an engagement ring that was meant for someone else!
Don’t club baby fur seals.
The problem with sex in the movies
is the popcorn usually spills.
THE ARAB & THE SCOTSMAN
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case it was
found to be required during the procedure. As the gentleman had a rare type
of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to other
hospitals.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly
donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the
Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US
dollars.
