You cannot post things like “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”, and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTSTHIS WEEK’S BEST BLOND JOKE
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, “So, tell me.”
She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.
St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”
Then the blonde continued, “Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”
If you were St. Peter, what would you do?
ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT BIRTHDAYS
I LEARNED FROM THE POPE
If you want to be noticed, wear a funny hat.
Biblically speaking, you’re not really that old.
It’s OK to be seen in public wearing only your robe.
It’s fun to dress up.
A little Latin goes a long way.
The older you are, the greater your wisdom.
It’s good to know people in high places.
Sing unto others on their birthday as you would have them sing unto you.
Getting older brings you closer to God.
Do not covet thy neighbor’s presents.
Make your guests wait in line for their little pieces of cake.
Wise men will come bearing gifts…rude, insensitive people will just come and crash your party.
If you run short of hors d’ouevres at the party, just break out the loaves and fishes. It’s hard to fit more than three candles on a communion wafer.
You can’t have your communion wafer and eat it too.
Accept your gifts with modesty.
Unfortunately, there are no prayers to stop the ageing process.
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and Kisses
A FEW FACTIODS ON LOVE AND MARRIAGE
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband, “Pack your bags, I’ve won the lottery!” The husband excitedly asks, “Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?”
She says, “Pack ’em all, you’re leaving!”
A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, “It really works!”
Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven’t seen each other for years. As they are talking one women notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says “My what a magnificent ring.” Her friend relies, “Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes
with my husband!”
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
One woman’s hobby is another woman’s hubby.
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
“I love you a ton!”
LOOKING FOR LOVE
PERSONAL ADS
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5’4″(used to be 5’6″), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing
companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
