HOW MEN ARE SO LIKE CATS
A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, No! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’s going to be really ticked if it’s not ready on time.”
When she gets home, she realizes she doesn’t have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.
She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying it. “Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day.”
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. “You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, “You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”
The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his butt.”
WOMEN AND THEIR CATS
Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left
alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
IDIOTS AT WORK
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.
When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt.
As luck would have it, they matched.
MICROSOFT VS. GM
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $15 cars that get 1OOO miles to the gallon.
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors couldn’t wait to issue a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft’s Windows platform, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
- For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
- Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car, restart it and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
- Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
- Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only 5 percent of the roads.
- The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation” warning light.
- The airbag system would ask “Are your sure?” before deploying.
- Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
- Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to leam how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
- You’d have to press the “Start” button to turn the engine off.
RELIGIOUS HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a private religious hospital. As he was recovering, a nurse asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nurse asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nurse asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nurse became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
GOOD QUESTION
A southern belle was looking to buy a house. The seller said, “This house hasn’t got a flaw in it!”
The southern belle replied, “My lands! What do y’all walk on?”
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
Despite how you may have personally felt about the issue, there was a good logical reason for removing the Ten Commandments monument from the Alabama Supreme Court building.
