And that’s how the Internet began.
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
A CREATIVE WAY TO DO BANKING
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
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Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember:
Don’t make old people mad.
We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
FWEEDOM OF WEELIGION
A guy had been isolated on an island in the South Pacific for 10 years.
He lit a signal every night for 10 years but no one saw it and no one came to rescue him. Finally a passing boat did notice the signal and sent an officer and men in a small boat to investigate.
The castaway explained that he had been on this island for 10 years waiting to be rescued.
The boat captain ask “If you are all alone, what are those three huts I see built in the lagoon?
He answered “The first hut is my home. The second hut is where I go to church. And the third hut is where I went to church before I got mad and changed churches …”
RAMBLINGS OF THE RETIRED MIND
- I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can’t afford one so I’m wearing my garage door opener.
- You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
- I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it “Pumping Rust.”
- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease; that’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!”
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
- As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.
