He asked the store manager, “Is THAT dog wearing Red Shirt, folks are supposed to beware of?”
“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.
The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”
“Because”, the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
POKER TATTOO
John was a dedicated poker professional. Over the past fifteen years, he’d gotten married and was raising three fine children on his winnings.
Content with the size of the family, he and his wife, Mary decided it was time for John to have a vasectomy so that they could look forward to traveling together after the children were grown.
John entered the hospital and was put in room 201. On the day of the operation, a frumpy overweight nurse went in to prep John for the procedure and while shaving around his privates, she noticed that John had a tatoo on his member that said “RUSH”.
The frumpy nurse just happened to be a poker player herself, and was explaining to another more voluptuous nurse what a rush meant in poker lingo.
Well, the more voluptuous nurse, wanting to see the tatoo, went into room 201 on the pretense of doing additional prep work on John. Bending over John, with much cleavage showing, she piddled around long enough to see the tatoo.
Returning to the nurse’s lounge, the voluptuous nurse told the other nurse, “I must have gone to the wrong room. The man I saw was a poker player also, but his tatoo said “ROYAL FLUSH.”
Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?
A. A chess player moves every now and then.
A TRIFECTA OF FUN AND GAMES JOKES
WIN
BRIDGE CLUB
The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude.
During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”
John’s partner said, “Never mind, it’s the first time since we started playing that I’ve known what the man has in his hand!”
Don’t get me wrong, honey.
I know you are great at endplays but what I really want is foreplay.
PLACE
BLONDS AND BINGO
It was a Ladies Only Night in the All Blonde Bingo Hall. The night had been pretty boring, not one single person had a BINGO all night.
The last game was up for grabs, with a huge bingo prize of $3500 in the pot.
The game drags on and on, and nearly every blonde in the house had to be on for the big blackout. Finally, G-47 was called, but still no shouts of “Bingo!” were heard.
The frustrated caller finally gets up and throws the Bingo Machine off the stage. All the girls were shocked and the caller says: “I’ve just called every darn one of these 75 balls out of this machine and nobody has a Bingo? Just what number are you ladies waiting for?”
All together, 412 blonde ladies shouted: “FREE SPACE!”
SHOW
TEN COMMANDMENTS OF BINGO
- Thou shall not sit in thy neighbors lucky seat.
- Thou shall not stare at thy neighbors card.
- Thou shall not take the Callers name in vain.
- Thou shall not call false “Bingo”.
- Thou shall not wish bad luck on thy neighbor.
- Thou shall not threaten to kill the “Caller”.
- Thou shall not steal thy husband’s money for Bingo.
- Thou shall not brag about how much thou hast won.
- Thou shall not whine about how much thou hast lost.
- Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s winnings.
THE FALL
Shamus McGuillicutty’s boss from the Guinness Brewery in St. James’ Gate visits his subordinate’s modest Dublin home with bad news.
“I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident, Maggie,” he tells Mrs. McGuillicutty. “Shamus has passed away.”
“Jesus, Joseph and Mary,” as Maggie crosses herself. “Did he have a
rapid and painless demise, or did he suffer?”
“I won’ be lyin’ ta ya, Maggie,” says the boss. “He suffered a long and tedious death. Shamus fell, ya see, into the vat of Guinness and drowned.”
“Oh, no!,” the recent widow wailed. “How awful!”
“Aye,” admitted the boss. “He ‘ad to get out twice to pee, he did.”
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment): n. A discussion that occurs when you’re right, but he just hasn’t realized it yet.
Airhead (er*head): n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over b a Police Officer.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q): n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up – but he “made the dinner.”
Blonde jokes (blond joks): n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope): n. Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer): n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet soda (dy*it so*da): n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
