Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. “What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,” says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine? “Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen. “Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, “Get the #%@$ off the car!”
You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don’t have to go along.
SENIOR ROMANCE
They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other’s company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.
Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they’d shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: “If I’d known she was a virgin, I’d have been more gentle.”
Maude was thinking: “If I’d known he could still do it, I’d have taken off my pantyhose.”
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”
But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but, you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”
The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads …
“WIN A BAGEL”
A BLONDE EASTER
Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, “What is Easter?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy! It’s the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful…”
“Wrong!” replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, “What is Easter?”
The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she’s wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “What is Easter?”
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.”
“Oh?” says St. Peter, incredulously.
“Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.”
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight. The third blonde continues, “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”
She was so blonde that:
…she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
TO THE MOON
Susi and Sara, (both blondes) were sitting on a bench talking.
Sara says to Susi, “Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?”
Susi laughs and says “Come on. Can you see Florida?”
She was so blond that:
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
MEANWHILE, AT THE BAR
Joe walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll be unscathed.
In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth.
The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped !!
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle from the bar and rapped the Alligator hard on the top of its head. The ‘gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
Joe stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try !!”
