Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Sometimes it helps to count to 10 on your fingers.
Or just one, if you know what I’m saying.
YET ANOTHER SECRET TO LONG LIFE
- Just one God.
- Honor yer Ma & Pa.
- No tellin’ tales or gossipin’.
- Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
- Put nothin’ afore God.
- No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal.
- No killin.’
- Watch yer mouth.
- Don’t take what ain’t yers.
- Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.
Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think?
Y’all have a nice day.
Found something at the swimsuit shop I was
really comfortable in. The dressing room.
THE ONLY 11 TIMES THE F-WORD HAS BEEN ACCEPTABLE
11. “What the @#$% do you mean we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. “What the @#$% was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. “Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877
8. “Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
7. “It does so @#$%ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926
6. “How the @#$% did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. “You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566
4. “Where the @#$% are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. “Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
2. “Aw c’mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll…
1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this @#$%ing mad.” — Sadaam Hussein, 2003
I’m thinking of renewing my vow…
to never get married again.
THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE
Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So ya’ll want to be a cop, eh?” The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a filefolder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, “To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. “Now,” he said, “Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?”
The blonde immediately said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective grabbed the photo, shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It’s a profile of his face!”
“You’re dismissed!” The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, “What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?”
“Yes! He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused, too!” The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but….He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying “All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I did. This man wears contact lenses.”
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, “DUH ! ! ! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses!”
I work out every day. Mostly frustrations & anger.
OUR FAVORITE MAXINES FOR THIS WEEK
WIN:
I have a one-step program for dealing with stress.
Well, one step and a kick to be exact.
PLACE:
I’ll carpool when I can find three people who don’t talk,
sweat, whistle, or use cologne.
PERKS OF REACHING 50
OR BEING OVER 60
AND HEADING TOWARDS 70!
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.
- No one expects you to run–anywhere.
- People call at 9 PM and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You can eat supper at 4 PM.
- You can live without sex but not your glasses.
- You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room. - You sing along with elevator music.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service. - Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them
either. - Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
- You can’t remember who sent you this list.
- And you notice these are all in BIG PRINT for your convenience.
