Under no circumstances shall the hypocritical members of the Legislature (State or Federal) enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a permanent coma.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case.
I don’t care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run for the presidency, it is my wish that they play politics with someone else’s life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell.
_______ Signature
_______ Witness
_______ DATE
You know what they say:
‘You don’t have to swim faster than the shark,
you just have to swim faster
than the person you’re with.’
FACTOIDS 4 U
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
MO’ FACTOIDS
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first “Marlboro Man.”
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
Pearls melt in vinegar.
The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs, but, not downstairs.
A duck’s quack doesn’t echo.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
BIRD FLU
A bear, a lion, and a chicken meet.
Bear says: “If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”
Lion says: “And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire Savannah is afraid of me.”
“Big deal!” says the chicken. “I only have to cough, and the whole planet freaks out.”
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
NEW WORDS FOR 2012:
Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)
- BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
- SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
- ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
- SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
- CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
- PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.
- MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
- SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
- STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
- SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
- XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.
- IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example – Michael Jackson, another…
- PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap! out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
- ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
- 404: Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message “404 Not Found,”
- GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
- OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)
- WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
