ONE MORE TIME
The police recently busted a man selling “secret formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
“I’m not that I’m afraid to die,
I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”
Woody Allen
BILL GATES MEETS HIS PROGRAMMER
Bill Gates died suddenly and finds himself face to face with God.
God stands over him and says, “Well Bill, I’m really confused on this one. It’s a tough decision. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America.
But you also created that ghastly Windows ’95 among other indiscretions. I believe I’ll do something I’ve never done before; I’ll let you decide where you want to go.”
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, “Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?”
Looking slightly puzzled, God said, “Better yet, why don’t I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?”
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, “I think I’ll try Hell first.”
So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was beautiful and clean, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about.
A smile came across Bill’s face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. “This is great,” he thought, “if this is Hell, I can’t wait to see Heaven.”
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven.
Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, yelled for God, told him his decision and was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
“So, how is everything going?” God asked.
Bill responded with a cracking voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! It’s nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!!
I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to the other place,with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?”
“That was the demo,” replied God.
“For three days after death, hair and fingernails”
continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”
Johnny Carson
ANOTHER TEAR JERKER
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
“What happened to him?” The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”
The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. “Can I borrow the dog?”
“Sure. Get in line.”
“If your time hasn’t come,
not even a doctor can kill you.”
MA Perlstein
“If your time hasn’t come,
not even a doctor can kill you.”
MA Perlstein
OBITUARY
When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. As soon as were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work,
I want to achieve it through not dying.”
Woody Allen
IT WAS A MIRACLE
A good-ol’-boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
