COUPLE IN THEIR NINETIES
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A SENIOR CITIZEN
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
THREE OLD GUYS
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer…’
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
NEW HEARING AID
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor. ‘What kind is it?’
‘Twelve thirty…’
Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
HOT MAMA
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
CRUSHED NUTS?
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
GOLFERS GET THIS
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor tells her she needed more cardiovascular activity and recommended that she engage in sex three times a week. A little embarrassed, she says, “Please tell my husband.”
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, “Which days?”
The doctor answered, “Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal.”
The husband said, “I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she’ll have to take the bus.”
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
NEW DRIVING STUDY
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “S**t!”
Only the states of Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
GENDER ROLES
Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said, “This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?”
“Land mines,” said the Kuwaiti woman.
PERK OF BEING OVER 40:
You sing along with elevator music.
WHY IT’S GOOD TO BE A WOMAN
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
