The blind man felt around and found the mike and keyed up and said, “Help, help, I’m a blind man flying upside down in a small plane and the pilot has passed out!”
A voice came over the speaker that said, “If you are a blind man, how do you know you’re upside down?”
The blind man said, “Because crap is running out of my collar!!”
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
PATIENCE
A cop was patrolling at night at a well-known lover’s lane. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window. “Uh, yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine, sir.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?” The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s Lane and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?” “I’m 23, sir.”
“And her … what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: “She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses. I thought the results were pretty interesting:
25% of women think their ass is too fat…
10% of women think their ass is too skinny…
The other 65% say that they don’t care; they love him, he’s a good man, and they would have married him anyway…
I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
READY FOR A BLOND JOKE?
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!” She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,”What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet…
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.. I’ve changed my will three times!’
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
AN ELDERLY COUPLE
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know…. The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man.. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
