She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “There’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t
accidentally walk through into another dimension
HERE IN FLORIDA
Jim, an elderly man living in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and grapefruit trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening Jim decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
Jim made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
Jim frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
THIS WEEK’S LESSON. Pay attention!
An old man and a young boy were traveling through their village with their donkey. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.” They then decided they both would walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying “how awful to put such a load on the poor donkey.” The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.”
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it.
So I’m going to move to New York.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
THE ART OF ADVERTISING
Josie and Flo, both prostitutes, were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said: “TWO PROSTITUTES — $50.00”
A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just at that time, another car passed with a sigh that read: “JESUS SAVES”
Josie asked the cop, “How come you don’t stop them?”
“Well, that’s a little different,” the cop smiled. “Their sign pertains to religion.”
Josie and Flo frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.
The following day, the same cop in the area noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.
Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign, which read: ‘JOSIE AND FLO. TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER — $50.00’
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time.”
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I’D WALK A MILE
Marge and Barb are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Marge pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Barb asks, “What in the hell is that?
Marge answers, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Barb says, “Great idea. Where did you get it?”
Marge says, “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Barb hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.
Barb says,”Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”
When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.
FLYING BLIND
A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”
And the blind man said he just wanted to have the experience.
So off through the skies they went! All of a sudden the pilot had a heart attack and passed out.
