The Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with chicken fat. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Jewish man says, “I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!”
Some women get excited about nothing,
and then marry him.
SILENCE IS GOLDEN
Two guys from Montana were out fishing and drinking beer.
All of a sudden one of the fishermen said, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoken to me in over six months.”
His buddy takes another swig of his beer, thinks for a moment and says, “You better think it over women like that are hard to find.”
Divorce – from the Latin word meaning
to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
FATHERLY LOVE
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar and a bottle of whiskey.
“I’ll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself, “and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I’ll see which object he picks up.
If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.”
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the floor.
Always remember: one good turn
gets most of the blankets.
WITH APOLOGIES TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to Himself, “There’s something he’s needing.'”
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
T‘was made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damn thing.
Everyone needs to be loved,
Especially when they don’t deserve it.
HORMONE GUIDE FOR MEN
We know that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!
DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.
DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
PMS DICTIONARY
- Pass My Shotgun
- Psychotic Mood Shift
- Perpetual Munching Spree
- Puffy Mid-Section
- People Make me Sick
- Provide Me with Sweets
- Pardon My Sobbing
- Pimples May Surface
- Pass My Sweatpants
- Pissy Mood Syndrome
- Plainly; Men Suck
- Pack My Stuff.
Marriage means commitment.
Of course, so does insanity.
EVE TALKS TO GOD
“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“And why is that Eve?”
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“Man? What is that Lord?”
“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things.
I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”
