The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes.”
The old Jewish man says, “Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz, we made love, and she screamed for over six hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The old Jewish man replies: “I wiped my hands on the bedspread.”
I ALMOST HAD A PSYCHIC GIRLFRIEND.
BUT, SHE LEFT ME BEFORE WE MET.
PLACE
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Joe says to his eighty-year old buddy Sam, “So I hear you are getting married?
“Yep!” says Sam. “Next Saturday!”
Joe asks, “This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well,” replies Sam.
“Does she have lots of money?”
“No, poor as a church mouse.”
Joe persists, “Well then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
Sam chuckles, “She can still drive at night.”
IT HAS OFTEN BEEN SAID THAT
“TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE,”
BUT WHY NOT APPROACH IT WITH THE SAME CARE AND RESPECT
AS YOU WOULD IF IT WERE YOUR LAST?
SHOW
DAFFINITIONS
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
IF A MAN HAS ENOUGH HORSE SENSE
TO TREAT HIS WIFE LIKE A THOROUGHBRED,
SHE WILL NEVER TURN INTO AN OLD NAG.
SENIOR MOMENT
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call her “honey” in times like these.
“I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice.
“Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”
Yep it’s the golden years.
About Women:
Girls have an unfair advantage over men;
if they can’t get what they want by being smart,
they can get it by being dumb.
PERIOD.
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something ‘exciting’ and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and then sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
“It’s a period,” he replied.
“I can see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so ‘exciting’ about a period?”
“Darned if I know,” he said, “but this morning my sister was ‘missing’ one. Mommy fainted; daddy had a heart attack, and the boy next door joined the Army.
About Men:
Behind every successful man there is a surprised woman.
YAAAH
Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota, Swen and Ole, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Swen and Ole objected strongly. “Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down a few moments after takeoff.
Climbing out of the wreck Swen asked Ole, “Any idea where we are?”
“Yaaah,” says Ole. “I tink we’s pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
