She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and get in to something more comfortable.”
“Sure!” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom, and in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of our friends, all loudly singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there on the couch… NAKED.
IF YOU ARE GOING TO WORRY, DON’T DO IT.
IF YOU DO IT, DON’T WORRY.
ELDERLY HONEYMOON
Luigi and Virginia both aged 72, were married.
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Cleveland to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, “Hey, Luigi, how wasa da treepa?”
Luigi said, “Everytinga wasa perfecto except for the traina ride down.”
“Whata you nean, Luigi?”
“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vina, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everything wasa Okey Dokey until we gotta hungry and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us anda say, ‘no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.”
“So me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club a car.”
“So, we go to club car, While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar, The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, ‘No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car.”
“We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go aboomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice, ‘Nofolka, Virginia! Nofolka, Virginia!”
“Next time, I’ma gonna take a da bus!”
REEVALUATE YOUR GOALS WITH AN EYE TOWARDS BALANCE.
SETTING GOALS IN ONE OR TWO AREAS OF YOUR LIFE,
WHILE FORGETTING THE OTHERS,
IS LIKE TRYING TO ROW A BOAT WITH ONLY ONE OAR.
HARVEY AND GLADYS
Harvey and Gladys Goldman are getting ready for bed.
Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!”
She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.”
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Services for Harvey Goldman will be held Tuesday morning at 10:30 at Beth Israel Synagogue.
BEFORE GIVING SOMEONE A PIECE OF YOUR MIND,
BE SURE YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO SPARE.
NEW CAR TIME
If my body were a car, I’d be thinking about trading it in for a new model. I’ve got lots of dents and bumps and my paint job is getting dull.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish. They were once as sleek as a little MG; now they look more like my mother’s old Buick.
My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Ben & Jerry’s opened a shop in my neighborhood.
Air bags? Forget it. The only bags I have these days are under my eyes. Not counting the saddlebags, of course.
I have soooooo many miles on my odometer. Sure, I’ve been many places and seen many things, but when’ s the last time an appraiser factored life experiences against depreciation?
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.
My reaction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. I’m burning fuel at an inefficient rate.
But here’s the worst of it – almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter – I leak oil. I’m so ready for a trade in!
A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND.
EULOGY
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had seven more children. Again, her husband died.
But, she married yet again and this time had five more children. Again, her husband died. Then alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”
SEX IS A MISDEMEANOR.
THE MORE I MISS IT, THE MEANER I GET.
A TRIFECTA OF GROWING PAINS JOKES
WIN
GREAT SEX
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end.”
