God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
MEANWHILE, HERE IN FLORIDA
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story could not stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
If you’re going to have a Senior Moment, MAKE IT A MEMORABLE ONE
WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flosser to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.
TO THE REALLY WISE MAN
While my wife and I were shopping at a mall, a shapely young woman in a short, form-fitting dress strolled by.
My eyes followed her.
Without looking up from the item she was examining, my wife asked, “Was it worth the trouble you’re in?”
BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro
on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MUTUAL ORGASM
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know, Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm.’
“Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday,
let’s put our two heads together.
HEAVEN, I’M IN HEAVEN
Three guys died together in a terrible accident. Fortunately, they went to heaven.
St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here: Don’t step on the ducks, as they are God’s favorite creation.”
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it’s almost impossible not to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman you’ve ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever.”
The next day the second guy steps on a duck, and sure enough, St. Peter comes with another real ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn’t step on any ducks. Then one day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman, a blue-eyed blonde, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without saying a word.
The man remarks, “Wow! This is great! I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The Blonde says, “I don’t know about you, but I just stepped on a duck.”
MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition,
some hair, many new parts including hip, knee,
cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
DEAD TED
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m so very sorry,” replied her friend, “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead.”
A TRIFECTA OF THE FACTS
WIN
HOW TO STRETCH YOUR PENSION (A Must-Read)
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
