10 POLITE WAYS OF TELLING A GUY HE NEEDS TO ZIP UP
- The cucumber has left the salad.
- Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
- You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
- Paging Mr. Johnson…Paging Mr. Johnson.
- Elvis has left the building.
- The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
- Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
- You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
- Men may be From Mars .. but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
- You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary”
I was thinking about old age and decided
that it is ‘when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it’.
THIS WEEK’S BLONDE JOKE
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, and a blonde went in to try out for the job.
“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “What is 1 and 1?”
“Eleven,” she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” Then the sheriff asked, “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”.
“Today and tomorrow.” replied the blonde.
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. “Now, listen carefully, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” asked the sheriff.
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
The sheriff replied, “Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do — write to these men?
Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Ads seen in “The Villages” Florida newspaper:
Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar opened!”
FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
HONEST ABE
Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-grade class.
I’d included an extra-credit question: List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.
One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
A FEW MORE
Birds of a feather flock together, and shit on your car.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.
