ON GOING TO HEAVEN “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
I spent a fortune on deodorant
before I realized that people
didn’t like me anyway.
GET RELIGION
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the Bible means!”
His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the Bible means?”
The son replied, “I do know!”
“Okay,” said his father. “So, son, what does the Bible mean?”
“That’s easy, Daddy. It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'”
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments.” answered the lady.
I was thinking about how people
seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then, it dawned on me,
they were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping
God grades on the curve.
LIFE
Is all about ass,
you’re either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it, ….
or trying to get a piece of it.
Employment application blanks always ask
‘who is to be notified in case of an emergency.’
I think you should write, “A Good Doctor!
WHAT’S WRITTEN ON YOUR FOREHEAD?
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:
“Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It’s been flickering for weeks now.” He looks at her and says angrily. “Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a GE Logo printed on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won’t close right.” to which he replied – “Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Defy written on my forehead? I don’t think so.”
“Fine,” she says “then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They’re about to break.” “I’m not a darn carpenter and I don’t want to fix the steps,” he says. “Does it look like I have FEDs DIY written on my forehead? I don’t think so. I’ve had enough of you. I’m going to the bar!!!”
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks to the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
“Honey, how’d all this get fixed?” She said, “Well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”
He said, “So what kind of cake did you bake him?”
She replied, “Hellooooo… do you see Albany’s Bakery written on my forehead?”
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
REDNECK WITH A HOT DATE
A redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ dem rubbers gonna cost me?”
The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.”
To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves.”
I thought about making a fitness movie,
for folks my age, and call it “Pumping Rust.”
OLDIE BUT GOODIE
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the Afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?”
“I sure did” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
(I’ll bet she forgot to put his Driver’s License in the box.)
I was thinking that women should put pictures
of missing husbands on beer cans!
