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RAMPANT HERPES EXPOSES UPTIGHT SENIOR COMMUNITY
By Frank Kaiser

Folks here in Florida don't know whether laugh or gross out.

A few weeks back, Orlando's Channel 6 reported that sexually transmitted diseases among seniors are widespread at a Central Florida retirement community called The Villages.

Viagra, a lack of sex education, and no pregnancy risk were blamed.

A gynecologist interviewed by Local 6 reporter, Vanessa Medina exclaimed that she treats more cases of herpes and human papilloma virus in the retirement community than she did when practicing in "anything goes" Miami.

The Villages, a pleasant community with some 60,000 seniors, advertises, "When the sun goes down, the fun comes up…" The mirth never ends!

Until the current "sex scandal," the community was better known as an ultra-conservative enclave of Republicans. The developer and CEO of the Villages is a Bush Pioneer.

So what are we to make of all this?

Last week, by chance I ran into a resident of the place. I put the question to her. "I blame it on a lack of Bible education," she replied. "No true Christians act that way."

Maybe not. And just maybe, it's all the pizza delivery guy's fault.

Personally, I tend to see this as a positive trend. The sex part, not the VD.

Brought Up During Sexual Dark Ages

We seniors were brought up in a world where the words "sex," "virgin," and "pregnant" were taboo in movies. Screen stars kissed with their mouths shut tight. And married couples always slept in separate beds.

It was a sexless place where women were expected to be pure until their wedding night, and even then they weren't supposed to enjoy it. Girdles, the preferred birth control method of the era, were so tight, so sturdy — so diabolical — that it was impossible to get so much as a dark fantasy beyond the outer elastic.

So we drank three-martini lunches, and sublimated every which way.

The Pill came along in the '60s. But by then we were married, and you know what they say about sex in marriage. We watched, envious, as Boomers streaked by in pursuit of free love and loose sex.

The bastards! No wonder so many of us turned Republican.

Now we're in our 70s, 80s and 90s, many of us single again, and it's our turn to have a little fun. If God didn't want us to enjoy sex, He wouldn't have created Viagra. Right?

So I say, more power to you, Villagers. You folks give Boomers, now reluctantly reaching 60, something to look forward to.

Keep up the good work. Once twenty-somethings get used to the idea of their grandparents "doing it," surely it won't be long before we hear them saying, "Man, I can't wait to be 80!"

Or not.

Turns out The Villages boasts some 500 clubs — "something for everyone," they say.

I can only hope that tucked in there somewhere between volunteering to deliver Meals on Wheels and Tuesday night's Advanced Line Dancing is "Wrinkle Swapping," competitions at the South Jacuzzi on Saturday evenings, overnight "Golf Cart Key-Trade Parties," and that perennial favorite at retirement communities everywhere, "Spin the Pill Bottle and See Who You Go Home With. (Bring your glasses.)"

I'll tell you, for a bunch of duffers, we certainly have good times.

They say that young men think of sex every 10 seconds while geezers get around to the same thought only about every 10 minutes or so. Thing is, with little else to do, geezers can act on it. And do.

Isn't it about time? After all, you never know which fling will be your last.

But come one, guys, act your age! Grow up, and wear a rubber.

© Copyright 2006 — Frank Kaiser


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MORE ON GRAMPS “DOING IT”

Are You Ever Too Old For an Orgy?

Not if today's seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Have Sex Like You Did 50 Years Ago!

The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without: the dreaded girdle.

Sex After 60 (Probably a very short column)

Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. "More than you think," says Frank. "Much more!"

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.

Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid!

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

The Key to Great Sex

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"

Taking It All Off for GeezerCam

With WebCams for everything else, it's time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Exciting? You bet!

Looking for Mr. Oldbar

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set.

When Wild Oats Turn Into Prunes and All Bran

One minute you're a male sex object, the next, you're a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.


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