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SUDDENLY SENIOR'S
TAKE ON SENIOR SEX

(It ain’t pretty!)

Are You Ever Too Old For an Orgy?

Not if today's sexy seniors have anything to say about it. We may embarrass our kids and shock the neighbors, but wrinkly Romeos and sagging seductresses are just carrying on a time-honored tradition.

Have Sex Like You Did 40 Years Ago!

The real pièce de résistance, though, was that first line of defense no mother would let her daughter out without: the dreaded girdle...

Sex After 60 (Probably a very short column)

Of course, many of the younger generation, including our sons and daughters, find it disgusting that Granny and Gramps could still be doing it. "More than you think," says Frank. "Much more!"

Only the latest senior sex scandal, this involving Florida’s “The Villages.” Locals don’t know whether to laugh or gross out. But there’s a good reason for seniors running wild. Read all about it here.

Dating, the second time around, has its pitfalls. Senior men seem to believe mature women want nothing more than a warm body who doesn't miss the toilet too often. Senior women claim they're lucky to find a man who can remember where he left his teeth. Learn the ugly truth here.

Sex After Death? Heaven Forbid!

As we slip and slide toward the inevitable, is there a senior among us who hasn't pondered the possibility of hot sex beyond those pearly gates? Eternity is a long time to go without a good roll in the hay.

The Key to Great Sex

What really catches my eye is the dazzling red type across from the photo saying, "Your Penis Shrinks 19.8% as you get older due to deficiency of testosterone!"

Taking It All Off for GeezerCam

With WebCams for everything else, it's time for GeezerCam. The camera could follow my every movement from the times I get up in the middle of the night to pee right through my exciting day until my wife and I shake hands at bedtime. Exciting? You bet!

Looking for Mr. Oldbar

Dozens of sightings of senior citizens engaged in outdoor sexual activities leads to an investigation of "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set.

Finding Love Online

Whether you simply seek new friends, a sex partner or the love of your life, you can do it online.

When Wild Oats Turn Into Prunes and All Bran

One minute you're a male sex object, the next, you're a lecherous old fart with bad breath, bad teeth, and probably badly in need of Viagra.

An older, single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." Can't relate? Can't commit? She could care less. The last thing she needs in her life is another dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!

Heavy Groping at the StarLite Drive-in

Were drive-in movies of the ‘40s and ‘50s the sexually unrestrained "passion pits" of yore? Or is all that our inner-teenager's imagination?

DEAR SUDDENLY SENIOR...

Thus begins yet another service from Suddenly Senior. Experts Flo and Moe respond to readers' deepest concerns. Learn about a wife's dilemma with her clicker-happy husband, even orgies, octogenarian-style.

It's all at Flo & Moe Answer Your Pressing Problems and at Flo & Moe Answer Your Pressing Problems II


ANDY ROONEY'S THEORY OF LIFE

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out because you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, Spend your last nine months floating and you finish off as an orgasm.

Ain't that the truth?

SEX IN THE 80s AND 90s OF LIFE

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?"

He replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while".

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was OK She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!?"

Howard smiled and replied..............."Parkinson's"

ROMANCE, SENIOR-STYLE

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck"

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

THE BUZZ

There's an old couple, both in their 80s, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you recall the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got

SINCE 1999, AMERICA'S MOST TRUSTED SENIOR CITIZEN WEBSITE


Erma Bombeck
"Humor Writer of the Month"


"Kaiser's the perfect mix of Andy Rooney, Dave Barry, and Garrison Keillor, combining knee-slapping humor with useful information and genuine compassion." RETIRED.COM


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