I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
And proud of it!
I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, and antacid.
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories. Over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for - long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians.
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...uh???...uh.
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors. Absolutely nothing!
If you are what you eat, I'm Shredded Wheat and All Bran.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of my golden years. SS, CD's, IRA'S, AARP.
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now...by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts, I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN, and I think I am having the time of my life!!!!
ALWAYS REMEMBER: The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
ANDY ROONEY LOOKS AT LIFE
Hey, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
Let's die first, get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. Get kicked out because you're too young, get a gold watch and go to work. Work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy retirement. Do drugs, alcohol, party, get ready for high school. Go to grade school, become a kid, play, have no responsibilities. Become a little baby, and go back into the womb, Spend the last nine months floating and finish off as an orgasm.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie Fucking Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales
AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
It has come to this. I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car. BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail.
Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk. BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out.
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills. Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water. I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST need to water those plants.
I head for the door and notice someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants. BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.
END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious. I'll get help... BUT FIRST, I think I'll check my e-mail.
OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
I'M NOT OLD, I'M JUST MATURE
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase he took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, It's the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature.
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer , can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit , not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
Calling it blond is just about right.
My car is all paid for, not a nickel is owed. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older ... much faster than me. T
hey seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles, for sure, But don't call me old : just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago. That should explain why my walking is slow.
I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I know I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old , I'm only mature.
I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life. Oh yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer.
PS The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"
YOU GOTTA KISS A LOT OF FROGS
(before you meet the handsome prince)
A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts," he thought, "There's no one here."
The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."
Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who said that?" he asked rather loudly.
"I did, sir. I'm the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me."
The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. "How can I help you?" he asked.
"The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me in the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you."
The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. "At my age," he said, "I'd rather have a talking frog."
A DAY ON THE LINKS
Four men were out golfing.
"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.
"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.
"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"
THE JOYS OF BEING MALE
1. Your rear is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. Chocolate is just another snack.
7. You can be president.
8. You can wear a white shirt to a water theme park.
9. Foreplay is optional.
10. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
11. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
12. You don't care if someone doesn't notice your new haircut.
13. The world is your urinal.
14. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
15. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
16. Same work... more pay.
17. Wrinkles add character.
18. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
19. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
20. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
21. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
22. The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.
23. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
24. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
25. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
26. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
27. One mood, all the time.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home, reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
Then the third old lady chipped in with: "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
THE OLD-TIMERS' RIGHT
A group of Sun City Senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can barely hold a cup of coffee", said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee", replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck", said a third, to which several nodded in agreement.
My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad" said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God, we can all still drive"!
THERE WILL BE A TEST
CAN YOU REMEMBER?
1. Candy cigarettes?
2. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside?
3. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles?
4. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes?
5. Blackjack chewing gum?
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles, with cardboard stoppers?
7. Party lines?
8. Newsreels before the movie?
9. P. F. Flyers?
10. Butch wax?
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix ? (Drexel-5505)
13. Howdy Doody?
14. 78 RPM Records?
15. S&H Green Stamps?
17. Metal ice cube trays, with levers?
18. Mimeograph paper?
19. Blue flash bulbs?
20. Beanie and Cecil?
21. Roller skate keys?
22. Cork popguns?
25. Wash tub wringers?
Now add up your score If you remembered 0 to 5, you're still young If you remembered 6 to 15, you are getting older. If you remembered 16 to 25, you are older than dirt
Two retired professors were vacationing with their wives at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting on the veranda one summer evening, watching the sun set.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?"
To which the professor of psychology replied, "Yes and I think it's these damned wicker chairs."
A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin's
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
CHORUS: When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets,
And corn pads for bunions, No spicy hot food
And no food with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads nd hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, And no fear of sinning',
Thin bones and fractures And hair that is thinning',
As we won't mention Our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.
When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
THEN I REMEMBER THE GREAT LIFE I'VE HAD,
AND THEN I DON'T FEEL SOOOOO BAAAAD.
AS I AGE
When I was in my younger days, I weighed a few pounds less. I needn't hold my tummy in To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older, I've set my body free; There's the comfort of elastic Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of those high-heeled shoes My feet have not forgiven I have to wear a size nine now, But I used to wear a seven.
And how about those pantyhose They're sized by weight, you see, So how come when I put them on, The crotch is at my knees?
I need to wear these glasses As the prints were getting smaller; And it wasn't very long ago I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to silver And my skin no longer fits, But here on the inside, I'm still the same old me, But on the outside I'm not what I used to be.
I WANT TO GO BACK TO THE TIME WHEN
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
"Race issues" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "cooties".
It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb.
It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
A foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.
"Oly-oly-oxen-all-in-free" made perfect sense.
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have had a great life.
SENIOR FUN AND GAMES
1. Sag, You're it.
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over.
6. Doc, Doc Goose.
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical Recliners
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
How did it get so late so soon? It's night before it's afternoon.
December is here before its June.
My goodness how the time has flown.
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass.
THE JOYS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
10. You get into a heated argument about pension claims.
11. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14. You sing along with the elevator music.
15. Your eyes won't get much worse.
16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
18. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
20. You can't remember who sent you this list.
The world was made round so that we would never be able to see too far down the road.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
"Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
SIGNS OF WEAR
You may be getting older:
When your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
When going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
When getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today.
When "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
When an "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the men settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they went on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your real name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
GERT: Holy smoke, What's that?
MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
GERT: Where did you get it?
MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Gert hobbles into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, almost 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Gert answers, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."
The pharmacist fainted
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST
Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected, all incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinness's. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada .. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14.Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25.Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony