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LOOKING FOR
MR. OLDBAR
By Frank Kaiser
Who says seniors don't have fun?

Sun City West's residents are complaining about dozens of sightings over the past year of senior citizens engaged in sexual activities out in front of God and everybody.

Geezers and geezerettes in this Arizona retirement community get it on in pools, spas, golf cars, bingo rooms and on park benches. Ah, the great outdoors.

"Sin City" isn't alone. Virtuous residents at a Florida senior community reportedly whine that duffers doing the deed on golf course greens force players to avoid certain holes.

Investigators say that much of this shocking behavior begins innocently enough with "Looking for Love" classified ads for the senior set. Like this one:

    FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, slim, 5' 4" (used to be 5' 6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

More and more senior tabloids run them. Often they appear just opposite this column. I hate to guess what that means.

There are senior men looking for women, senior women looking for men, senior men looking for men, senior women looking for women, even undecideds looking for whomever or whatever they can get. Consider the following:

    SERENITY NOW: Sex and age don't matter. I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Occasionally, if you read between the lines, there are even ads for the love that dare not bark its name.

More typically, these folks are lonely for companionship, and not particularly demanding on with whom or what. As a recent Los Angeles Senior Life classified stated:

    DON'T GET AROUND much anymore. Can't be picky. Have to be lucky. DHM 59.

More lonely than lucky, most have decided it's time to step up to the plate, no matter that they haven't swung in years. Like this gentleman:

    BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you're a groovy chick, or a swinging hen, let's get together to listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.

Or this lady, playing on her single most positive trait:

    WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Of course, some have very specific needs:

    LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Others try to make the best out of what many consider risky:

    MINT CONDITION: Male, 1931, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Doesn't run but walks well.

While still others attempt to find the perfect complementary mate:

    MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our heads together.

And while sex always lurks in the background – or noisily sprawled on the shuffleboard court – some don't beat around the bush. Like this from the Weekly Planet here in Clearwater:

    MWC – SHE IS 72, very petite. Husband approves her desire to be with slim, handsome, gentle male in 20s or "well-built" male of any age. One time? Maybe LTR.

This so intrigued me, I called, leaving a message requesting an interview. That was two weeks ago. Apparently, I sounded neither 20ish nor well built. But I'd pay big bucks to see that threesome on our 18th green.

Suddenly Trivia: According to About.com, what is "crucial to better sex" in later life?

A) clitoral stimulation, b) frank communication, c) lubrication, d) consultation with your physician before you begin.

Suddenly Trivia Answer: d) consultation with your physician before you begin.

© 2002 — Frank Kaiser


How to Interpret Personal Ads

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish............................49
Adventurer......................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking..............Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated........................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.........Medicated
Feminist.........................a Fat ball buster & doesn't shave her arm pits
Free spirit.......................Junkie
Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun................................Annoying
Gentle............................Comatose
Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic
New-Age.........................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...................Desperate
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.....................Certified Bitch
Redhead..........................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...................Grossly Fat
Romantic.........................Looks better by candle light
Social...........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height.....Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate..............Stalker
Widow.............................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..................Old bat .


MEN'S ADS

40-ish..........................52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic........................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.......Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated......................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.....................Banging your sister
Friendship first...............As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun...............................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.................Arrogant
Very good looking..........Dumb as a board
Honest..........................Pathological Liar
Huggable......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle..............Insecure mama's boy
Mature..........................Older than your father
Open-minded.......Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit..................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.........................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.......................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive................Gay
Spiritual.........................Got laid in a church once
Stable...........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts .

Sumitted by Suddenly Senior reader Nolan Myers


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INCREDIBLE, SHRINKING ME

Have you started shrinking yet? You will. Here's a strong case for requiring a course called "Aging Process 101" to be taken some time before we must learn by doing.

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