Enjoy our best jokes for seniors this week. Please contact us if you have senior jokes you want to share for us to post. Be sure to check out our Best New Jokes Compilation: Mostly Old Jokes
Best Jokes for Seniors
LATE
Johnny walks into class late.
His teacher says: “Johnny, do not walk into class late again.”
The next day Johnny crawls into class late once again.
His teacher says, “Johnny, I thought I told you not to come into class late.”
Johnny responds, “No, you told me I couldn’t walk in class late.”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…
THE MARINE PILOT
The teacher gave her 5th-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story w/a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back &, one by one began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk & pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, & her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, & all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, & a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, & then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them w/the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed 4 more w/the knife, till the blade broke, & then she killed the last Iraqi w/her bare hands.”
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”
“Don’t f*** with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said,’Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s how the fight started…
THE BLACK BRA (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I, the third one, have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here’s how it all went.
My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my dreams…I love you.’ Then we made passionate love all night long.
The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this..)
“What’s for dinner, Zorro?”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s how the fight started…
HUNTING
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.”
HOW TO START A FIGHT!
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s how the fight started…
BIRTH CONTROL PILLS
An elderly woman went into the doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
