Have you ever wondered how a conversation with God would go? Here’s our comedic version of the Lord’s Prayer.
Our Father which art in heaven …”
“Yes?”
“Don’t interrupt me. I’m praying.”
“But you called me.”
“Called you? I didn’t call you. I’m praying. Our Father which art in heaven …”
“There … you did it again.”
“Did what?”
“Called me. You said, Our Father which art in heaven. Here I am. What’s on your mind?”
“But I didn’t mean anything by it. I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day. I always say the Lord’s Prayer. It makes me feel good, kind of like getting a duty done.”
“All right. Go on.”
“Hallowed be thy name …”
“Hold it! What do you mean by that?”
“By what?”
“By ‘hallowed be thy name’?”
“It means … it means … good grief! I don’t know what it means. How should I know? It’s just a part of the prayer. By the way, what does it mean?”
“It means honored … holy … wonderful.”
“Hey, that makes sense. I never thought about what ‘hallowed’ meant before. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.”
“Do you really mean that?”
“Sure, why not?”
“What are you doing about it?”
“Doing? Nothing, I guess! I just think it would be kind of neat if you got control of everything down here like you have up there.”
“Have I got control of you?”
“Well … I go to church.”
“That isn’t what I asked you. What about your bad temper? You’ve really got a problem there, you know. And then there’s the way you spend your money … all on yourself. And what about the kind of books you read?”
“Stop picking on me! I’m just as good as some of the rest of those people at the church.”
Excuse me. I thought you were praying for my will to be done. If that is to happen, it will have to start with the ones who are praying for it … like you, for example.”
“Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups. Now that you mention it, I could probably name some others.”
“So could I.”
“I haven’t thought about it very much until now, but I really would like to cut out some of those things. I would like to … you know … be really free.”
“Good … now we’re getting somewhere! We’ll work together, you and I. Some victories can truly be won. I’m proud of you.”
“Look, Lord, I need to finish up here. This is taking a lot longer than it usually does. Give us this day, our daily bread.”
“You need to cut out the bread. You’re overweight as it is.”
“Hey, wait a minute! What is this … ‘Criticize me day?’ Here I was doing my religious duty, and all of a sudden you break in and remind me of all my hang-ups.”
“Praying is a dangerous thing. You could wind up changed, you know. That’s what I’m trying to get across to you. You called me, and here I am. It’s too late to stop now. Keep praying. I’m interested in the next part of your prayer … (pause). Well … go on!”
“I’m scared to.”
“Scared? Of what?”
“I know what You’ll say.”
“Try me and see.”
“Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”
“What about Ann?”
“See? I knew it! I knew you would bring her up! Why Lord, she’s told lies about me, spread stories about my family. She never paid back the debt she owes me. I’ve sworn to get even with her!”
“But your prayer? What about your prayer?”
“I didn’t mean it.”
“Well, at least you’re honest. But it’s not much fun carrying that load of bitterness around inside, is it?
“No, but I’ll feel better as soon as I get even. Boy, have I got some plans for that neighbor. She’ll wish she had never moved into this neighborhood.”
“You won’t feel any better. You’ll feel worse. Revenge isn’t sweet. Think of how unhappy you already are. But I can change all that.”
“You can? How?”
“Forgive Ann. Then I’ll forgive you. Then the hate and sin will be Ann’s problem and not yours. You will have settled your heart.”
“Oh, you’re right. You always are. And more than I want to revenge Ann, I want to be right with you. Ann, I want to be right with you … (pause) … (sigh). Alright! Alright! I forgive her! Help her to find the right road in life, Lord. She’s bound to be awfully miserable now that I think about it. Anybody who goes around doing the things she does to others has to be out of it. Someway, somehow, show her the right way.”
“There now! Wonderful! How do you feel?”
“Hmmmm … well, not bad. Not bad at all. In fact, I feel pretty great! You know, I don’t think I’ll have to go to bed uptight tonight for the first time since I can remember. Maybe I won’t be so tired from now on because I’m not getting enough rest.”
“You’re not through with your prayer. Go on.”
“Oh, all right. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”
“Good! Good! I’ll do that. Just don’t put yourself in a place where you can be tempted.”
“What do you mean by that?”
Don’t turn on the TV when you know the laundry needs to be done and the house needs to be picked up. Also, about the time you spend having coffee with your friends … if you can’t influence the conversation to positive things, perhaps you should re-think the value of those friendships. Another thing, your neighbors and friends shouldn’t be your standard for “keeping up with.” And please don’t use me for an escape hatch.”
