“To get my teeth!”
ELECTRIFYING SEX
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?”
“Yes,” she says, “I remember it well.”
“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll ’round there again and we can do it for old time’s sake.”
“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.
There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, “I’ve got to see this…two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so’s there’s no trouble.”
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about thirty minutes! She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching thinks, “that was truly amazing; he was going like a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is.”
As the couple pass, he says to them, “That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?”
“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says,” except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn’t electric.”
THE PERFECT HUSBAND
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit, and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner, he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live.”
THE PLUS SIDE OF PARKINSON’S
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen’s home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Annabel, age 87, wandered into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?”
She asks “What?”
He replies “SEX!!!”
Annabel exclaims, “Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!”
“I know”, Howard says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.”
“Well, I can oblige”, says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood, and proceeds to hold it.
They agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard’s manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with Sarah, who was holding Howard’s manhood!
Furious, Annabel yelled, “You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don’t have?”
Howard smiled and replied “Parkinson’s!”
