Rules of behavior exist for every aspect of life other than the one that has come to occupy so much of it: airline travel. Order should be imposed on this essentially chaotic activity, not by the unilateral actions of officials at United Airlines, but in the same way that it is imposed on other essentially chaotic activities such as ice hockey, football, soccer and other sports: by appropriate penalties.
Offside: When the Aisle Seat Becomes a Battlefield
Consider the passenger who has not only snatched the aisle seat next to your middle seat filled with salted almonds but, once in his seat, proceeds to drape knees, elbows, necktie and miscellaneous body parts over your body parts (including some pretty essential ones), forcing you to edge ever closer to the drunken aluminum-siding salesman in the window seat. The sprawling traveler in the aisle seat should immediately be whistled offside and penalized five yards, to the last row of the aircraft, between the coffee pots and rest room doors.
Elbowing and Hooking: The Armrest Wars
Closely related to offside is elbowing, hooking, or illegal use of hands, three different names for occupying every available arm rest. This offense is a subtle affront to human dignity, to say nothing of the ability to read, write, use the expensive airplane Wi-Fi, or eat salted almonds. The remedial measure? A five yard penalty plus loss of down. In other words, the offender is not only relegated to the last row on the airplane but finds himself unable to open the rest room door after having actually drunk three cups of airline coffee.
Piling On: The Human Coat Rack Conundrum
Then there is “piling on,” in which not only knees, elbows and neckties but pets, children, luggage and laundry are draped over adjoining passengers. This infraction entitles the “drapee” to a penalty kick, the nature and satisfaction derived from which should be self-explanatory. Just don’t waste it on the luggage or the laundry.
Encroachment: The Recline and Decline Dilemma
Not to be confused with these offenses, though equally reprehensible, is encroachment, or the reclining of a seat so that the head of a person in row fifteen ends up ensconced in the midsection of a person in row sixteen as surely as Hamlet’s in the lap of Ophelia. What is Ophelia to do? Go mad and strew rosemary and yew about the airplane? No, she simply complains to the nearest steward who will issue the nearly supine malefactor not a pair of earphones or yet another tiny bag of salted almonds but a yellow card, forcing him or her to miss the next flight and spend the time allotted for it on the Hertz airport bus. Should the malefactor encroach more than once, the yellow card becomes a red card and the malefactor must spend twice the allotted time on the Avis airport bus.
The 24-Second Violation: Aisle Seat Stallers Beware!
A twenty-four second violation occurs when the person in the aisle seat remains there for twenty four seconds after the announcement to remain seated while the plane taxis to its gate. Everyone else on the plane, of course, has gathered up belongings and pushed their way into the aisle twenty-four seconds before the announcement. As a result, you and anyone else stuck in the laggard’s row must let pass a line of humanity only slightly shorter than the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, leading to loss of connecting flights to weddings, job interviews and Nobel Prize award ceremonies. The twenty-four second violation, also known as delay of game at the O’Hare, Dallas and Atlanta airports, is treated as a technical foul in which the tardy culprit is stripped of airline frequent flier miles and has his watch set to a time zone of your choice.
High-Sticking: The Dangers of Rogue Carry-Ons
Umbrellas, tennis rackets, golf clubs and other carry-on items pose great hazards. Infractions involving them must be dealt with severely. When one of these items finds its way into your eye, tonsils or chest cavity, call high-sticking immediately. And what is an appropriate penalty? Is it caning as in Singapore? No, it is even worse: time in the penalty box, also known as the Customs Area in JFK International Airport.
Too Many Players on the Field: Family Vacations Gone Wild
Anyone who has traveled has no doubt encountered instances of too many players on the field. Families taking vacations and students on spring breaks are frequent violators of this rule as well as the related rule against having players illegally (which is to say constantly) in motion. The response must be as swift as it is sure: one-way tickets on the Chinatown bus.
Arguing with the Umpire: A One-Way Ticket to the Eject Button
Finally, a word must be said about the most intolerable conduct of all: arguing with the umpire — yourself. If life, travel and the pursuit of happiness are to mean anything, this behavior simply cannot be tolerated, particularly in crowded public places. Besides, who needs people whose ideas are wrong? So if someone disagrees with you about the smoothness of the flight, the quality of the salted almonds, whether the cabin is too hot or too cold, the correct definitions in the airline magazine crossword puzzle or anything else, don’t hesitate. Give them the thumb, the boot, the old heave-ho. Eject them. Literally. Don’t worry about altitude, the jet stream, or parachutes. These are details. Your integrity and peace of mind are at stake. And if you promise not to set foot, let alone wheeled suitcase, on my flight, I’ll even tell you where United puts the passenger eject button for its oversold flights.
About the Author
James B. Kobak, Jr. is a seasoned writer and humorist with a sharp wit and a unique perspective on the everyday annoyances of modern life, including the often chaotic world of air travel. With a penchant for blending humor and insightful commentary, James has a knack for turning the frustrations of daily life into entertaining and thought-provoking narratives.
He is also the author of Tennis, Anyone?: The Wimp’s Guide to Tennis and Other Racquet Sports, where he humorously explores the world of tennis and other racquet sports, offering both a light-hearted critique and a deep appreciation of the games. His work resonates with readers who enjoy a good laugh while reflecting on the quirks and challenges of our times.
- Kobak Jr, James (Author)
- English (Publication Language)
- 165 Pages - 07/30/2024 (Publication Date) - HumorOutcasts Press (Publisher)
