As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close
down on him, when all of a sudden the shark stops and pulls back. Shocked,
the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its
head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive.”
SUCCESS!
Success is:
At age 4, success is………………………………..not peeing your pants.
At age 12, success is ……………………………..having friends.
At age 20, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 35, success is………………………………money.
At age 60, success is………………………………having sex.
At age 70, success is………………………………having friends.
At age 80, success is………………………………not peeing your pants.
THE REWARD
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his
driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had
happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the
car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes
all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?” asked Bill.
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his
19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Clinton.
The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
THE TOP 40 THINGS YOU WILL NEVER, EVER, HEAR A REDNECK SAY
40: Oh I just couldn’t, hell, she’s only sixteen.
39: I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38: Duct tape won’t fix that.
37: Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36: Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken.
35: We don’t keep firearms in this house.
34: Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33: You can’t feed that to the dog.
32: I thought Graceland was tacky.
31: No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
30: Wrestling’s fake.
29: Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
28: We’re Vegetarians.
27: Do you think my gut is too big?
26: I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25: Honey, we don’t need another dog.
24: Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23: Give me the small bag of pork rinds, please.
22: Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21: Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20: I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today.
19: Trim the fat off the steak.
18: Cappuccino tastes better than expresso.
17: The tires on that truck are too big.
16: I’ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15: I’ve got it all on the C drive.
14: Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13: Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12: My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.
11: I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10: Little Debbie snack cakes have too many grams of fat.
09: Checkmate.
08: She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.
07: Does the salad bar have bean sprouts.
06: Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.
05: I don’t have a favorite college team.
04: Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03: You All.
02: Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darlin’.
AND THE #1 STATEMENT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR FROM A SOUTHERNER:
01: Nope, no more for me. I’m drivin tonight.
More Senior Jokes
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We truly hope you enjoyed our ultimate list of funny jokes. At Suddenly Senior we know how important it is to laugh every day, that’s why we are always looking for the best old jokes. If you want to keep on laughing, check out some of our other senior joke compilations.
