“HEBREWS”
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul
can always depend on the support of Paul.
George Bernard Shaw
THIS WEEK’S DUMB BLONDE JOKE
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little shit on your knee.”
Government is the great fiction, through
which everybody endeavors to live at the
expense of everybody else. Frederic Bastiat
YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN BY MY SIDE …
The woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You
have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to
support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”
“What dear?” She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
WHAT KIND OF A WOMAN THINKS OF A JOKE LIKE THIS?
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another
woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down
the Stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it
tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to….cut it
off are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, “Nope. You are. I’m
going to set the garage on fire.”
LANGUAGES FOR “I LOVE YOU” ….
English ……… I Love You
Spanish ……. Te Amo
French ………Je T’aime
German ……. lch Liebe Dich
Japanese ….. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ………. Ti Amo
Chinese …… Wo Ai Ni
Swedish …… Jag Alskar Dig
Alabama ….. Nice Tits
PROPOSED ENGLISH LANGUAGE CHANGE
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European
Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving
efficiency in communications between Government departments. European
officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily
difficult – for example, cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is
clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top
level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ‘s’
instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would
resieve this news with joy. Then the hard ‘c’ could be replaced by ‘k’ sinse
both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in
the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less
letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it kould be
announsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This
would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty per sent shorter in print. In the
third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash
the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would
enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to
akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the
languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and
writ as though nothing had hapend.
By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be
reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing ‘th’by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of
‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’. Shortly after
zis, ze unesesary ‘o kould be dropd from words kontaining ‘ou’. Similar
arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing
zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl.
After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin
it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of ze Guvermnt vud finali hav kum
tru.
HOW TO STOP A SNORER
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t
care where.”
