Martha shot him down again with her usual protest. The pilot of the plane overheard their conversation and made them an offer.
“I tell you what,” said the pilot. “I will take you for a ride in the airplane, and if you can keep quiet the whole time, I won’t charge you for the trip. If you say one thing, the charge is fifty dollars.”
This sounded like a pretty good deal to Bert and Martha, so they went ahead and got into the plane. The pilot, in his best attempt to get them to make noise, flew the plane upside down. He flew up high and dove toward the ground. He did corkscrews, circles, twists and turns. Not a peep out of either of them. He couldn’t believe it.
Upon landing, the pilot turned to Bert and said, “I just can’t believe it! No one has ever flown with me and kept quiet. I thought for sure that last dive would get you to scream out, or say something!”
Bert replied, “I was going to say something when Martha fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
The inherent vice of capitalism
is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal
sharing of misery. Winston Churchill
JIMMY JOE BOB’s NEW TRUCK
One day, Jimmy Joe Bob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!?”
“Bobby Sue gave it to me” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, ‘Bubba, take whatever you want’.
So I took the truck!”
“Bubba, you’re a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you!”
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe
while the legislature is in session. Mark Twain
WHY MEN PEE STANDING UP
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. “It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you would like that.”
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.” On and on he went like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, “Well, here’s the other thing and I guess you can have it.” “What’s it called?” Eve asked.
“Brains,” God said.
Giving money and power to government is l
ike giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P.J. O’Rourke
TO BE SIX AGAIN
A man asked his wife what she’d like for Mother’s Day.
“I’d love to be six again, ” she replied.
On the morning of Mother’s Day, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “You idiot, I meant my dress size!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Democracy must be something more t
han two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner. J. James Bovard
WHY HUSBANDS SHOULD MAKE THE MORNING COFFEE
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .
