St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouts, “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”
TIME-HONORED TRUTHS
- Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
- To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- The older you get, the better you realize you were.
- I doubt, therefore I might be.
- Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
- Women like silent men — they think they’re listening.
- Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
IN HONOR OF JEWISH MOTHERS’ DAY
MONA LISA’S JEWISH MOTHER: “This you call a smile, after all the money your father and I spent on braces?”
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS’ JEWISH MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, you still should have written!”
MICHELANGELO’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Why can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you know how hard it is to get this junk off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “All right, if you’re not hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Again with the hat!? Why can’t you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S JEWISH MOTHER: “Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
And then these two, who really did have Jewish mothers:
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S JEWISH MOTHER: “But it’s your senior photograph! Couldn’t you have done something about your hair?”
MOSES’S JEWISH MOTHER: “That’s a good story!? Now tell me where you’ve really been for the last forty years.”
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? AS WRITTEN BY GRANDCHILDREN
“Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s.”
“A grandfather is a man grandmother.”
“Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.”
“When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.”
“They don’t say, ‘hurry up.'”
“Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.”
“They wear glasses and funny underwear.”
“They can take their teeth and gums out.”
“They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.”
A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself. Mark Twain
I don’t make jokes.
I just watch the government
and report the facts. Will Rogers
OLD INJUN GROANER
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?
“The Lone Ranger said, “I do, Why?”
The cowboy said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, “I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down”
Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse out side?
“The Lone Ranger stands and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says …..
“Nothing ………. but you left your Injun running!”
Talk is cheap …
except when Congress does it.
Unknown
WHEN TALK ISN’T CHEAP
Bert and Martha were an elderly couple who had been to the county fair every year for decades. Each year at the fair Bert wanted to ride in the airplane. “No” said Martha. “The airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
Every year Bert said he wanted to ride in the plane, and every year Martha wouldn’t let him, repeating, “Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
One year, Bert decided he would stand up to Martha.
All these years and he had never ridden in the airplane. “Martha,” Bert said, “We are 85 years old and may not make it another year. I want to ride in the airplane. I don’t care if it costs fifty dollars.”
