#10 – A below par performance is considered good.
STEAM IRONS?
My dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it.
I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something.
I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to “sprinkle” clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old.
#9 – You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger
and a couple of beers.
HOW MANY DO YOU REMEMBER?
Headlight dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the firewall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant-leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
#8 – It’s much easier to find the sweet spot
HOT TO TROT
An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their50th wedding anniversary.”You know,” she said, “We were probably sitting in the kitchen across fromeach other 50 years ago.”
“Yeah,” he said, “But we were probably naked.”
So let’s get naked now,” she suggested.So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.
“You know,” she said smiling lovingly, “My nipples feel just as hot lookingat you today as they did 50 years ago.”
He replied, “I’m sure they are – one is in your coffee and the otheris inyour oatmeal.”
#7 – Foursomes are encouraged.
DOCTOR VISIT
Bill, in his eighties, is putting on his coat.
His wife Sarah says, “Where are you going?”
Bill says, “I’m going to the doctor.”
Sarah asks, “Are you sick?”
“No” Bill said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So Sarah gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
“Where are you going?” says Bill.
Sarah replies “I’m going to the doctor, too. If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing, I’m going to get me a tetanus shot.”
#6 – You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5 – Three times a day is possible.
OLDIE
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year–old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, the corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
#4 – Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
A TRIFECTA OF
OUR FAVORITE GETTING OLDER JOKES
WIN:
RETIREMENT ENTERTAINMENT
Letter from Wal-Mart
Dear Mrs. Bates,
Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. George Bates, has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning your entire family from shopping angina of our stores.
We have documented all these incidents with our video surveillance equipment.
Three of our clerks are now attending counseling for the emotional stress caused from the trouble your husband has created. All of our complaints against Mr. Bates have been compiled andare listed below.
Walter Zimbrowski,
Wal-Mart Complaint Department
Carthage, MO
MEMO
*Re: Mr. George Bates Complaints* –
15 Things Mr. Bates has done whilehis wife is shopping:
June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they were not looking.
July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to individually go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7:
Made a trail of pineapple juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, “‘Code 3’ in housewares…” and watched to see what would happen.
August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M’s on lay away.
September 14:
Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
September 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he would invite them in if they would bring pillows from the bedding department.
September 23:
When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?'”
October 4:
Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
November 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
December 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the “Mission Impossible” theme.
December 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna look” using different size funnels.
December 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
December 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he fell to the floor in the fetal position and while loudly sucking his thumb, screamed “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
