When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those buttholes deducted $95 in taxes.
What kind of flowers do you give to King Tut?
Chrysanthemummies.
SHOW
HOSPITAL CHARTS
(Taken from actual hospital charts.)
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
- Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS
A 75-year-old man went to the doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar as clean and empty as the previous day.
The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, Doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then with her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get that damn jar opened!”
HONEST ABE
Recently I was grading history tests for my fourth-grade class.
I’d included an extra-credit question: List up to five good facts about Abraham Lincoln.
One of my D students surprised me with this one: “After the war ended, Lincoln took his wife to a show.”
A FEW MORE
Birds of a feather flock together, and shit on your car.
Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
If you can remain calm, you don’t have all the facts.
Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It’s a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don’t have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down ’til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
