The man says, “I can’t take anything from you, I’m just glad I didn’t hurt you too badly,” and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, “Well, he was a nice enough guy and he did catch me so I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want — unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”
A year passes and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods, goes looking for his ball and comes across the same leprechaun. He asks the leprechaun how he is and the leprechaun replies: “I’m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?”
The golfer says “It’s great! I hit under par every time.”
The leprechaun says, “I did that for you. And how is your money holding out?”
The golfer says, “Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill.”
The leprechaun smiles and says, “I did that for you. too. And how is your sex life?”
The golfer looks at him shyly and says, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”
The leprechaun is floored and stammers, “Once or twice a week?”
The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”
MURPHY MEETS HIS MAKER
After a long illness, An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”
Murphy was shocked and saddened by the news, but being of solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room where his son had been waiting for him.
Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I’ve got cancer and have been given a short time to live, so let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”
After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating.
Murphy said, “The Irish celebrate the good and the bad, so we’re drinking to my impending end. I’ve only a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
Murphy’s friends gave him their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion…..”Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends you were dying from AIDS?”
Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”
AN IRISH TRIFECTA
AN IRISH TOAST
A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”
She said, “Aye, what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary.”
She said, “Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he’s only been there twice! And he fell asleep both times.“
When the liquor was gone
the fun was gone.
THE WEE FOLK
Two leprechauns went to the convent and begged an audience with the mother superior. “Well, how can I help you wee folk?” asked mother superior.
The larger and more intelligent looking of the leprechauns asked “Oh mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns here at the convent?”
“No,” says mother superior, “I don’t have any midget nuns here at the convent.”
“All right then, mother superior, would you be knowing of any midget nuns in all of Ireland then?”
“No, No,” replied mother superior, “I don’t know of any nuns who are also midgets in all of Ireland at all.”
“Well then mother superior, in all of NunDom, in the whole world of all the nuns, would you be knowing, then, of any midget nuns?’
“No, I would not, there are no midget nuns in the whole of the world!” replied mother superior, “and would you please tell me what this is all about?”
The first leprechaun turned sadly to the other leprechaun and said “See, it‘s as I told you all along, you’ve been dating a Penguin”
THIS WEEK’S BEST BLONDE JOKE
There is this young Irish girl who emigrated to Liverpool, and had trouble finding gainful employment.
So she became a prostitute, and was extremely successful at it. She made lots of money, and regularly sent some back home to her dear old mother back in County Tyrone.
