GURNEY TALK
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says,” A circumcision.”
The second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck buddy! I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
MATURE LADY’S LAMENT: The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our breasts. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
THAT’S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED
When I got home last night, my wife demanded
that I take her someplace expensive. I took her to a gas station.
That’s when the fight started….
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case
of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for
$7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
That’s when the fight started.
My husband and I were sitting at a table
at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging
his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, ‘Do you
know him?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘He’s my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
”My God!’ says my husband, ‘Who would
think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started.
MILDRED
Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get
it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in
the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and
become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s
office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be
just below your left breast.’
Later that night, Mildred was admitted
to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
THE WISDOM OF MAXINE
I am seeing five gentlemen every
day.
As soon as I wake up, Will Power
helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John.
Then Charlie Horse comes along, and
when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows
up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one
place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I’m really
tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a life! Oh, yes, I’m also flirting
with Al Zymer
I’m thinking of calling JACK DANIELS
or JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
SPF 30
When promoters of a rock concert encourage
the use of “protection” you assume they are referring to sun
screen.
INSURANCE
Two old ladies were sitting on the porch
at the old folks home. One turned to the other and asked “Martha,
you were married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”
The other little old lady sat and rocked
for a minute and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
BEACH BUM
Martha and Betty were at lunch in their
Senior Living facility. Martha turns to Betty and asks, “Do you still
get horny?”
Betty replies, “Oh sure I do.”
Martha asks, “What do you do about
it?”
Betty replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, Martha asks, “Who
drives you to the beach?”
AT THE HOTEL
It was three o’clock in the morning, and
the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old
lady comes running towards her screaming. “Please come quickly!”
she yelled, “I just saw a naked man outside my window!”
The receptionist immediately rushes up
to the old lady’s room. “Where is he?” asked the receptionist.
“He’s over there,” replied the little old lady, pointing to
an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looks over and could see
a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. “It’s probably
a man who’s getting ready to go to bed,” she said reassuringly. “And
how do you know he’s naked, you can only see him from the waist up?”
“The dresser, honey!” screamed
the old lady. “Try standing on the dresser!”
MAKING LOVE
An older couple decides to retire for the
evening. The husband was almost asleep as his head hit his pillow, but
his wife felt a little romantic and wanted to talk.
She says, “You know, when we were
courting, you liked to hold my hand”.
Wearily, he reaches across and holds her
hand for a few seconds, and then tries to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she says, “After
that, you used to kiss me softly”.
Mildly irritated, he turns over and gives
her a peck on the cheek and again settles down for the night.
