The driver does so, and Dracula gets knocked around a bit but manages to hang on.
“Use the washer,” shouts the passenger nun. “I filled it with Holy Water while we were at the Vatican.”
The driver nun does so, but the tiny Dracula is still not dislodged and
hisses through the windshield even more menacingly.
In desperation, the nun with all the ideas suggests, “Show him your cross, sister.”
“Why of course,” says the driver. “Why didn’t I think of that?” She rolls down the window and screams out at the small creature, “Get the f**k off our car, you little c**ksucker!”
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
What disease did cured ham actually have?
THE BEST NON PARTISAN POLITICAL JOKE EVER!!!!!!!!!
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down the window and
asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and are asking for a $10 million dollar
ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on
fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.
The man replies, “About a gallon.”
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
TIM’S SCROTUM (RATED “G”) too funny not to read!
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express
praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the
podium.
She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tim must have experienced.
“Tim was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.” We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tim’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery Performed on Tim.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tim is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, “I’m Tim Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”
QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby ” when babies wake up like every two hours?
HOW THE INTERNET BEGAN
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dos’t thou travel so far from
town to town with thy goods when thou cans’t trade without ever leaving thy
tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to
send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you
who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the
drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to
move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,
Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as
Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to
transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly
take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican
Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that
enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum
maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be
known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.” And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid
(GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around
the countryside. It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating
Everything (GOOGLE).
